[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Biden, DeSantis Team Up Against Mexican Drug Cartel

A Mexican drug cartel was fooled by an old political rivalry in a rare bipartisan display of cooperation.

President Joe Biden and “Sheriff” Ron DeSantis busted the Mexican drug cartel today. The arrests happened after DeSantis declared Biden deserves an “honorary” membership in the Mexican cartel.

Biden, DeSantis vs Mexican Drug Cartel
Biden, DeSantis take down Mexican Drug Cartel. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

So, administration officials said, Biden decided to turn the sarcastic comment into an opportunity. An official added, “The president wanted to find out if the drug lords would view him as a friend. This was a reasonable assumption, based on the endorsement from the Republican governor of Florida.”

Biden guessed right, according to government sources. The drug dealers agreed to a meeting after conferring by Zoom, first with Biden, then with DeSantis. “Initially, the drug lords didn’t realize that Biden was one of them,” an administration official said. However, he added, “They were already grateful to him for letting so many people flood across the U.S. border.”

But the drug kingpins cemented the deal after speaking with DeSantis. They contacted the governor to confirm that it was safe to meet with Biden. Said Christina Pushaw, the DeSantis spokesperson, “DeSantis talks tough about Biden. But the governor really cares about people. DeSantis wants to do everything he can to end the fentanyl crisis in America.”

Pushaw, who recently registered as a foreign agent, continued: “Governor DeSantis told the Mexicans that President Biden ought to be a cartel member in good standing. That was enough for them.”

However, the Mexicans didn’t know that Biden had secretly deputized DeSantis as an “honorary” sheriff. Fortunately, though, Attorney General Merrick Garland provided background at a press conference. “In a bipartisan show of law and order, DeSantis and Biden slapped the cuffs on those fentanyl-dealing killers.” Garland added, “We are not red America and blue America. We aim to be drug-free America.”

Steve Schneider