The Latest News from Trump World
In the latest news from Trump World:
Trump purchases stake in Mars rock: Acting in accordance with “my native greed,” President Donald Trump revealed Thursday that he had clandestinely purchased “a controlling interest” in the much-touted Mars meteorite. The object sold at auction for $5.3 million in a deal transacted at Sotheby’s.
The 14-inch, 54-lb. Mars rock was sheared off the Red Planet millions of years ago when Mars was struck by an asteroid. The meteorite they journeyed more than 140 million miles through space, where it struck the earth, landing in a desert in Niger in Northwest Africa. “It’s the first thing of value to come from a shithole country in many millions of years,” remarked Trump.
And what plans does the nation’s notoriously transactional chief executive have for the Mars meteorite? Although Trump isn’t talking, insiders say that Trump is planning to “pebblize” the rock into 600 million discrete “spheroids,” each of which will constitute a component in Trump’s latest Alpha-male endeavor, “Trump Stiff- as-a-Board” Male enhancement tablets. The ointment will be a topical medicament and, according to Trump spokesperson Vivek Ramaswamy, “make you stick out like a plank.” The balm is expected to be sold for $200 per 3-ounce bottle.
Trump revokes $4 billion from California high-speed rail project: White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt revealed Thursday that President Trump was “taking the bull by the horns” and squeezing out already-approved funds for a California high-speed rail project. California Governor Gavin Newsom has called seizure of the funding “illegal.”
Newsom described the project, to link San Francisco and Los Angeles by high-speed rail, as being in it’s final stage. “Don’t matter,” barked Trump, who complained about “throwing good money after bad.” Newsom said the long-standing project called for creating a rail system which would allow Californians to travel between San Francisco and Los Angeles in under 3 hours.
According to Google Maps, the trip takes between 5 and 7 hours by car. Newsom touted the relative lighter carbon imprint of high-speed rail. “I don’t care about carbon footprints,” snarled Trump. “If I could do it, I’d make cars run on coal!”
The project was originally approved by California voters in 2008, with a deadline for completion set for 2022. Delays and cost overruns have been endemic and now Trump says it’s time to pull the plug.
Writing on Truth Social on Wednesday, the President congratulated himself for having “freed taxpayers” from funding California’s “disasterously overpriced, “HIGH SPEED TRAIN TO NOWHERE.” House Speaker Mike Johnson (R. LA), addressing the chamber from the floor, read Trump’s 9-page post in its entirety and then commented, “here, here!”
Newsom defended the project, saying that the government had to deal with infrastructure concerns earlier, including land acquisition, environmental clearances and building bridges, overpasses and viaducts, prior to the final stage: the laying of the track. Newsom said that Trump’s willingness to end the project just moments, relatively speaking, from completion, was evidence of an addled mind.
Trump also reiterated his threat to withhold disaster relief funds earmarked for California after deadly wildfires destroyed parts of Southern California in January. “Whatta’ I care?” Trump was quoted as saying at the time. “Them “f*****s never voted for me. What do I owe ’em? Nothin’?”
Trump moves for rescission of PBS, NPR funds: the Senate handed Trump a qualified victory Thursday by calling back some $9 billion in funds previously approved for funding of NPR and Public Television. This would mark the first time in decades that rescissions were effected at the request of the president. However, Senate Republicans, showing a rare trace of spine, restored some $400 million the the President’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief.
PEPFAR is credited with saving the lives of some 26 million people since the program’s creation by President Bush in 2003. A live mic caught an exchange between Trump and Border Czar Tom Homan, in which the following exchange was overheard: First Voice: “Screw PEPFAR; without it we got fewer immigrants.” Second Voice: “Right on, Daddy-O!”
Nobel Peace Prize: And in more news from Trump World, President Trump has long had his eyes on receiving the Nobel Peace Prize, which he has coveted since former President Barack Obama was so honored during his first term. Trump has been heralded as a worthy recipient this year by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and other world leaders. Said Taylor Rogers, a White House spokesperson, “President Trump has accomplished what no other president ever has: obliterating Iran’s nuclear capabilities.” He went on to levy fulsome praise on the 47th president for his peaceful use of “big, beautiful bombs.”
Trump has said that although he will never receive the Prize, he does in fact deserve it. “They didn’t gimme’ my Emmys either,” he said, sulking.“No, I won’t get a Nobel Peace Prize no matter what I do, including Russia/Ukraine, and Israel/Iran, whatever those outcomes may be,” Trump posted on Truth Social. “Seems like no matter how many Ukrainian children die or how many Gazans starve to death, I can’t catch a break.”
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