[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

President* Trump Grants Interview to Humor Times

The so-called president tells editor, “I’m glad you report ‘faux news,’ not ‘fake news!'”

Reporter: “Is it true you’re going to reinstate waterboarding?”

So-called President Trump
Trump in exclusive interview with the Humor Times. Photo: Michael Vadon, flickr.com.

Trump: “Yes, I think it’s the only way we can bring the truth to the American people. We will be waterboarding members of the press until they agree to stop reporting ‘fake news.'”

Reporter: “Do you plan to use the nuclear option to get some of your Cabinet nominees appointed?”

Trump: “I considered it, but then I realized we probably couldn’t stop the radiation from coming over to the Republican side of the aisle.”

Reporter: “How do you feel about the resignation of General Flynn?”

Trump: “It’s a real shame. He was a great team player, willing to take a bullet for me any day.”

Reporter: “I understand you have a new vetting process for people from identified Muslim countries.”

Trump: “Yes, it’s very effective. We ask them to recite the ‘Our Father’ and if they can’t, they’re out!”

Reporter: “But isn’t that religious discrimination?”

Trump: “Of course not. Every kid who says the Pledge of Allegiance knows it’s ‘under God’ not ‘under Allah.’”

Reporter: “We understand that you’re a great admirer of President Andrew Jackson, is that true?”

Trump: “Yes, I use him as a model for the kind of President I want to be. He solved the Indian problem, and I’ve taken my first steps in the Dakotas. And we think alike; he also cleaned house and realized he needed his friends and supporters in the government with him.”

Reporter: “But that was known as ‘the spoils system!'”

Trump: “Right, to the victor belongs the spoils!”

Reporter: “Are you upset because Harriet Tubman is going to replace Jackson on the twenty dollar bill?”

Trump: “Of course! There’s a good example of where a wall might have stopped illegal human trafficking.”

Reporter: “Speaking about the wall, how is that project coming along?”

Trump: “Well, we’re finding ways to hold down the temporary costs to the US taxpayer.”

Reporter: “How’s that?”

Trump: “We’re planning on using illegal Mexican labor. Those people will work for almost nothing, and we can save even more by deporting them before payday.”

Reporter: “Is it true that you support anti-abortion legislation such as the proposed law in Oklahoma that requires her male partner’s consent for a woman to have an abortion?”

Trump: “I’ve always believed that men have as much right to women’s bodies as the women do; just ask my buddy Billy Bush.”

Trump answered his cell phone and ended the interview abruptly, saying he had a crisis of national importance he had to deal with right away.

As he turned away, this reporter heard him whisper into his cell phone: “Don’t worry, princess. Daddy’s going to make boycotting your products illegal.”

Diane de Anda