Dave Lippman ad
CAC banner ad
Humor Times Free Trial
Humor Times App

James Israel

avatar

The Humor Times founder/publisher/editor/writer may wear a lot of hats, but he likes it that way. Still, his favorite job is writing fake news articles. He is also a musician and songwriter, who plays guitar, mandolin and harmonica, with several CDs to his credit.

Feb 012017
 
 By , February 1, 2017

“This will be a tremendous constitution, the greatest ever, believe me,” said Trump at signing.

According to minority President Donald J Trump’s latest Executive Order, signed today, the United States now has a brand-new Constitution.

Trump Executive Order Constitution

Trump: “Had to do it, folks. Old one was SAD!”

“It’s a ‘repeal-and-replace’ thing,” said Trump at the signing, “but without all the hassle of getting my Congress to rubber-stamp it.”

“Like the Declaration of Independence states, or should state — certainly will state when we replace it as well, ‘When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for a great leader to dissolve the constitution and replace it with something really tremendous, then that great leader should do so,'” Trump said.

“It also says something about ‘deriving just powers from the consent of the governed,’ and since I won the election by a yuuuge majority — as my voter fraud investigation will prove — then ‘the governed’ have consented. So, it’s time to make America great again, by replacing that old rag. That’s what I said about my last wife, by the way,” said Trump, to the laughter and applause of his loyal inner circle.

Keen observers might have seen it coming, as a Trump tweet from the day before read: “Protesters taking advantage of the Constitution. It’s old, archaic. SAD! #NeedNewConstitution #GoodToBeKing”

“The new constitution, by the way, will henceforth — I love that word, just learned it today — be called the ‘Trumpitution.’ It will be fantastic, the greatest ever, believe me,” he said, adding, “and anyone who says otherwise will get to see the inside of one of my new ‘black sites’ — as it says right there in the document.”

Apparently, no one but Steve Bannon and Reince Prebus have seen the new constitution, which was allegedly written by Bannon himself. But according to leaked reports, it also:

  • Gives Russia the right to appropriate certain U.S. territory as its own, “if Putin likes,” including Rhode Island, Vermont and any of the islands off the US east coast.
  • Makes English the official National Language — but only what’s called “Trumpian English.”
  • Suspends elections for an “indeterminate” amount of time, except for “offices still held by Democrats.”
  • Makes Trump Hotels the only places foreign dignitaries may stay, “at their expense,” and U.S. officials must stay only at international Trump resorts when they travel. If their destination does not have one, they are not allowed to go there.
  • Institutes a National Office of Thought Crime.
  • Mandates a “Great Wall of America,” to be built around the entire perimeter of the country, including shorelines. (“Liberals should be happy about that one,” Bannon said, “it’ll keep out their so-called rising ocean.”)

At the signing, the president was asked about a recent incident at an airport, when a protester was told by Denver police to “Put all the signs away that have anything to do with first amendment expression,” including any copy of the Constitution itself.

“No worries, that won’t apply to this new constitution,” Trump replied, “because it clearly says all unpatriotic demonstrations and protests are illegal anyway.”

Later, when Trump spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway was asked how it will be determined which protests are “patriotic” and which are not, she replied, “Easy! If you’re pro-Trump, you’re good. Otherwise, you’d better be very careful about what you say.”

“Yeah,” added a grinning, but very unkempt Steve Bannon, hovering menacingly nearby, “and the media should just keep its mouth shut if it doesn’t have anything but praise for our Dear Leader!”

Jan 202017
 
 By , January 20, 2017
Fake Inauguration Staged in Midst of Fake News Era

Editorial: What America witnessed today was not a legitimate inauguration, but a fake one, for an illegitimate president, the ‘yuuuge’ loser of the popular vote, who gave a fake populist speech. Alleged President Donald Trump’s inauguration speech was riddled with “populist” messages about helping the [more…]

Dec 232016
 
 By , December 23, 2016
Totalitarian Tenets to be Tenaciously Tendered via Trump Tweet

‘Orwellian Obedience is Ordered to be Ordinarily Observed,’ says first Tenet via Trump Tweet. “We’re going to win so much, you’ll get sick of winning,” begins a statement released today by Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump’s transition team spokesperson and former scarecrow template. “And to win, [more…]

Dec 112016
 
 By , December 11, 2016
Must-Watch Video for All Who Want Fair Elections

Why is Jill Stein leading the recount effort? Who cares? We had all better get on board, and be damn glad someone hopped on this issue in a timely manner. An Amy Goodman interview with Green Party presidential candidate Dr. Jill Stein, who has requested [more…]

Oct 102016
 
 By , October 10, 2016
Election Editorial: Leaky Boat

Plug the leak and get us to shore before we all sink! An election editorial. In my humble opinion, people who say they’re not voting for anyone for president, or will only vote for a third party candidate, are like people aboard a leaky ship [more…]