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Tim Mollen


Buy your copy of "Lost Journal - the Book" at www.timmollen.com. Each Lost Journal column is a journal entry written in retrospect. In other words, Mollen chooses a different day from his past, and writes about it as though it were today. The date may be last week, Halloween 1980, or the day he was born (May 4, 1969). Some of you may be asking, “But how would he have been able to write a journal entry on the day he was born?” To you he says: “Lighten up. It’s a humor column.” Mollen is a nationally syndicated columnist and actor, and he is available as a speaker on writing and humor.

Sep 272016
 By , September 27, 2016

Overheard in the spin room after the debate, as Donald Trump spoke to reporters…

I just debated all over her, about the economy, I was very strong in saying that it needs to be good. We have to do things that make money, and less things that lose money — it’s not even, does she even know? Hillary shot the sheriff. And he was white.

donald trump spin room debateI still haven’t thought much about NATO, because with all those letters, who would — Rosie O’Donnell? It worked out great when Germany, Italy, and Japan weren’t in a treaty with us, and spent THEIR OWN MONEY to build up their defenses.

Yes, I’m sniffling. But not because I ever get sick. I don’t. I have the most pro-body antibodies anywhere, believe me. I sniff because you can’t get good blow anymore, because of ISIS. Plus I never always, watch me now — you will notice, China has one of the most — seriously, the most even before you start counting how many babies they want — who cares? THEY have a wall. I just read a study that said, ‘World War II — Nuh-uh!’

So, if we’re ever going to stop being the worst country with the worst economy and the worst military and my Palm Beach boutique can’t even get the stupid contractors to stop having lunch once a day, then go figure.

America has such a boner for me — the hair, my nunchuck skills, my hot daughter and the other one, my new blue tie, Don King, the third season of ‘The Apprentice,’ and one hotel I own that hasn’t been recently picketed for racial, gender, and age discrimination, which I’m so proud of it pains me to tell you, but not as much as the thing I COULD say about Hillary right now, but I’m too classy to say that she has murdered baby elephants with her own hands, and talk about small hands — they’re like micro-baby hands.

Three words. Law and Order. Plus three initials — SVU. Wrong! Never said that. Never said that I never said that. Eurasia is our ally, and Eastasia is our enemy.

I have a big plane that goes really fast. Secretary Clinton — 30 years in this town and she can’t get a job outside the secretarial pool? Try some leg, toots. Satan is only half-Mexican, and half Obama’s parents, and half calf. I am all-powerful — do not look at me. Seriously. I will nuke the crap out of you.

When’s dinner? I need KFC pronto. If I don’t get some biscuits in like three seconds, I’m going to fire my campaign manager. Who was Nixon’s guy?

I like the way Putin smells. He’s doing great in Ukraine, just like he did in Chechnya. Fantastic leader. He should invade us, he’s so good.

I can’t stop moving my face and hands — this podium is rigged! I have temperament coming out my ass, there’s so much. It’s like a mellow personality geyser down here! OK, maybe Law, but not Order — I’m a nice guy.

Future Chairapprentice of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Omarosa might have a little something to say about diversity, and the living hell-hole that all black people live in in America. And it will not be fun, I will tell you what. She’s pissed.

Look, there is no proof — none — anywhere — that I ever said Eurasia is our ally, and Eastasia is our enemy. They aren’t, but Rudy Giuliani told me I clearly have always said they probably might not be. I am so past my bedtime — gotta get back to the crypt before the angry sun.



Aug 272015
 By , August 27, 2015
Lost Journal: The Last Journal

Say it ain’t so, Tim! We’ve enjoyed every single “Lost Journal” column, and we wish Tim Mollen the very best! — ed. Journal entry: August 30, 2015 (age 46) – The Last Lost Journal Well, here it is: my “last journal” entry. More than ten [more…]

Jul 212015
 By , July 21, 2015
Lost Journal: Babysitter Could Child-Care Less

Journal entry: July 9, 1980 (age 11) – Babysitter Up until this summer, my 12-year-old brother, Dan, and I have had pretty good luck with our parents’ choice of babysitters. When we were very young, a grandmotherly woman named Daisy Cochrane watched over several of [more…]

Jun 292015
 By , June 29, 2015

Journal entry: April 22, 2011 (age 41) – Physical Therapy When an orthopedist recently suggested physical therapy to alleviate pain in my lower back and feet, he didn’t recommend anyone in particular. I chose Oakdale Physical Therapy & Fitness largely because I knew one of [more…]

Jun 242015
 By , June 24, 2015
Lost Journal: The Anticlimax of Spring Break '89

Journal entry: March 18, 1989 (age 19) – Spring Break ’89 Where to spend spring break this year was not a tough call. The obvious choice, when you attend a college like SUNY Oswego, where ropes are tied between buildings so that you aren’t carried [more…]

Jun 082015
 By , June 8, 2015

Journal entry: June 8, 1987 (age 18) – Senior Class Trip Today’s Monday, and we didn’t go to school. That was reason enough for the Seton Catholic Central High School Class of 1987 to celebrate. But more importantly, today was our senior class trip to [more…]

Jun 022015
 By , June 2, 2015

Journal entry: April 3, 2011 (age 41) – Dating Pool Using a Magic Marker, I just finished writing a flier that I’m going to copy onto fluorescent paper and staple to telephone poles in my area: Dear Potential Date, My name is Tim. I am [more…]

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