[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Shields Mobster Fleeing Federal Custody

A hit man from a New York State crime family asked Trump to help shield him after escaping federal custody, say authorities.

A mobster who murdered three people fled to Mar-a-Lago after escaping from federal custody in central Florida, authorities said.

federal custodyAccording to the Associated Press, the mobster immediately asked former President Donald Trump for help.  “The mobster wanted Trump to help him overturn what he called his rigged prosecution. He apparently believed the Deep State framed him,” the news service added.

Officials said that Dominic Taddeo, a hit man from a New York State crime family, picked Trump because “mainstream media reports constantly compare Trump to a crime family boss.” Taddeo told a local reporter by phone, “I feel at home here with Donald. He is a great guy.”

But it is not clear what law enforcement can do to get the mobster back into federal custody. An official with the federal Bureau of Prisons said the situation is complex.  He noted that Trump insists he is still president. “Trump claims his Palm Beach County property is the Trump Presidential Compound at Mar-a-Lago,” the source said. He has invoked the legal concept of extraterritoriality, which means his property is immune to our laws. Trump, in essence, is a law unto himself at his residence.”

Cuban-Americans Join the Fray

Cuban-Americans from South Florida wasted no time jamming I-95 for the trek north to support Trump and Taddeo. “The Feds Got Elian,” read a sign, referring to the 2000 federal raid on a Miami-Dade County home that had shielded a young Cuban boy who left Cuba on a raft. That boy, Elian Gonzalez, was removed from the home and returned to Cuba after President Fidel Castro demanded his return.

Attorney General Merrick Garland declined to comment on the rapid fire series of events. But he insisted he is running an “independent Justice Department.” Garland added, “The DOJ does not work for presidents, former presidents, or even mobsters.”

Meanwhile, Trump, fresh from scoring another hole-in-one on the golf course, savaged the “lamestream media for publishing fake news trash.” He added, “Maybe they need to hire a connected waste removal firm to get rid of the dead wood in their newsrooms.” The former president denied that he was calling for the execution of reporters.  He made this assertion while brandishing a rifle he said he got from Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Fox News evening hosts took up the cause of the mobster right away. Laura Ingraham, a vocal opponent of illegal immigration, lamented, “Biden won’t keep out people who don’t belong here. But I bet he is just itching to assume tyrannical powers and raid Mar-a-Lago.” She concluded, “We need to give him the middle finger. Let freedom ring.”

Guns and Bullets Will Bolster Trump

Tucker Carlson backed Ingraham but raised another issue. Carlson said he had consulted Viktor Orban, the four-term prime minister of Hungary. “Orban is a true democrat,” Carlson said. “He is willing to give Taddeo sanctuary if the feds squeeze Trump. He will also send Trump ammunition to go along with the rifle Putin gave him.”

Taddeo reportedly eluded federal agents after he asked them to get him an N 95 mask at a local Walmart. The agents complied with the request, even though Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis claims the masks do not protect people from Covid-19. The agents made the stop at the store as they prepared to take the mobster to a halfway house to complete the terms of his sentence.

But video surveillance at the Walmart showed Taddeo walking past the agents, dressed in a medical uniform he found at the men’s department. Donning the N 95 mask, the agents did not recognize Taddeo as he walked out of the busy store, and fled south to Mar-a-Lago.

“That mask saved my life,” the mobster told the local reporter, smiling.

Steve Schneider