House Passes “One Big Beautiful Bill” (OBBB) moving closer to Trump’s billionaire tax cut and spend agenda.
President Orders Moody’s CEO Rob Fauber, Board of Directors to El Salvadoran prison on charge of disloyalty.
At quarter of 4am EST on Thursday, the U.S. House of Representatives approved President Donald Trump’s “One Big, Beautiful Bill,” to forward Trump’s budget-busting tax-cutting and spending plan. On a strictly party line vote, no member strayed out of her partisan ranks.
The bill itself, a whopping 1,116 pages long, threatens to increase the federal deficit by as much as $5 trillion over the next decade, depending upon who you talk to. In response to their own dire predictions, Moody’s took action to downgrade the credit rating of the United States for the first time in more than a century.
Letting no grass grow under his feet, President Donald Trump instantly ordered Moody’s CEO Rob Fauber and the remaining 10 members of the company’s board of directions to CECOT, the maximum-security terrorist confinement facility in El Salvador. “Let ’em eat three squares of burritos a day for a while,” snarled Attorney General Pam Bondi, who ordered their arrest by the FBI, “and we’ll see if they get their minds right.”
A more nuanced provision of the OBBB is the new work requirement for receiving nutritional or SNAP benefits. Henceforth, children 7-18 years of age will be required to work a minimum of 30 hours per week. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent revealed that this provision was a nod to Arkansas Governor and former Trump White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, a Trump favorite. “Sarah owed a favor to Chick-fil-a,” he said, referencing one of Arkansas’s premier chicken processors. “They needed workers and Sarah came through for them. Win-win!”
Bessent, a pominent booster of the One Big, Beautiful Bill, said that while the increased deficits may at first blush seem alarming, the positive aspects of the bill far outstrip the negative. “For example,” said Bessert, “there will be a substantial new tax on university endowments; this should knock the stuffing out of uppity woke institutions like Harvard,” he predicted. “Also,” he went on, “Medicaid and Medicare will take a decided hit.”
Standing beside an aquarium in his office in the Treasury Building, adjacent to the White House, Bessent reached into the tank and plucked out a large goldfish, which he promptly swallowed. “I used to do this a lot when I was in college,” he remembered, wiping his lips on the sleeve of his blazer. Reporters asked him to expand on his thoughts concerning the loss of Medicaid coverage by possibly millions of the nation’s poor.
“Well,” he said, chewing, “you gotta figure that there’s a reason why they’re so poor to begin with. Is it lack of motivation? Indifference? Congenital stupidity?” Bessent shrugged. “I don’t know; don’t care. All I know is, that as soon as the president’s eugenics program gets off the ground, the better for all of us.”
And what of the $500 billion in expected cuts to Medicare that the tax breaks for the richest companies and individuals will almost certainly mandate, according to the Congressional Budget Office? “CBO is a Democrat-run shop,” declared the Treasury Secretary dismissively. “The Donald will soon fire them all and replace them with men who have their minds right–16-and 17-year-olds from DOGE.”
The relief of House Speaker Mike Johnson (R. LA), who had to do some fast shuffling in the wee hours of Thursday morning to get the bill passed, seemed almost palpable. Reporters from the cable networks weren’t taking it easy on him, however. “This measure will reduce revenues by as much as 10%, Mr. Speaker,” said MSNBC reporter Courtney Kube.
“Also,” she continued, “the lowest 10% of citizens will receive 4% less income by 2033, whereas the top 10% will see their incomes go up by 2%. “How will you balance things?” “We won’t have to,” replied Johnson stiffly. “We’ll let things tip over–in favor of the privileged, the wealthy, the entitled! Besides,” he went on, “4% is a greater number than 2%, so what are you bitching about?”
“You Democrats always fail to acknowledge all the savings that will be realized as a result of this bill,” said Johnson. “For example, with the spending cuts, over 10 years, mostly to Medicaid as well as to Obamacare, food stamps and clean-energy programs, we will save about $1.6 trillion.”
“But Mr. Speaker,” said Kube, “that offsets as little as one-quarter of the cost of Trump’s tax cuts and added spending.” Johnson frowned and turned away, muttering, “effing bitch.” Making an appearance at last was key Trump spokesperson and more facile liar White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, who said without preamble, “This bill does not add to the deficit–you little skank!”
“But, Trump 1.0 increased the deficit by $8.4 trillion,” Kube pointed out. Parroting her boss, Leavitt came back with, “The economy is doing great, the stock market is higher now than when I came to office. And we’ve taken in hundreds of billions of dollars in tariff money. Moreover, the price of eggs is 19 cents per dozen, the cost of gasoline 95 cents per gallon–the lowest since 1973–and we owe it all to der Fuhrer!”
Signaling an end to the interview, Border Czar Tom Homan and HMS Secretary Kristi Noem emerged as if from nowhere and took Kube into custody. As she was led away, Homan opened a little black book and read, then remarked to the remaining reporters that Kube had been found to have “at least one grandparent indigenous to a shithole country; hence her arrest.” And they walked out.
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