President Donald Trump railed against Canada and closed trade talks with them this week.
President Donald Trump railed against Canada and closed trade talks with them this week. He did this because Canada had planned to maintain a tax on technology firms, which Trump called “a sure sign of national greed and duplicity.” They have since pledged to rescind it.
The digital services tax, which would accrue to business that engage with online users in Canada, would have become effective on June 30th. Trump addressed reporters from the Oval Office on Saturday at the White House.
Trade negations with Canada have been a mixed bag for the American President, who suggested at the beginning of his administration that Canada join the union as America’s 51st state.
“Hey, it was a good deal for Canada,” yammered Trump. “A purchase price of $75 billion — that’s in the Project 2025 One Big Beautiful Bill, which I don’t know nothin’ about. All we needa’ do is cut back Medicaid on 5 or 10 million more loafers and we’re set to deliver: that’s $2,000 American apiece, for ever’ one of the 37,000,000 freakin’ Canadians.”
In response to Trump’s overtures, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney said wryly on Friday that his country would “continue to conduct these complex negotiations in the best interests of Canadians. It’s a negotiation.” Asked by reporters how one negotiated with the most powerful man on earth, Carney twinkled and said the key was to “keep the nature of the other party in perspective.”
Insiders say that Carney keeps a life-size ceramic effigy of Trump, dressed as a plump baby, clad in diapers, in his office in Ottawa.” Carney only smiled, but would make no further remarks.
The digital services tax will will be felt by companies including Amazon, Google, Meta, Uber and Airbnb with a 3% levy on revenue from Canadian users. Trump lamented the tax because “I never thought of it.” He is considering levying a “reciprocative” digital services tax on Canadian companies on the order of 150%.
Almost 80% of Canada’s exports go to the US. This includes 60% of US crude oil imports; 85% of US electricity and 99% of blotter LSD. Additionally, Canada is the US’s largest foreign supplier of steel, aluminum and uranium and has 34 critical minerals and metals that the Pentagon is eager to obtain. “We could get along without Canada,” asserted Trump. “We don’t need them for nothin’. But, if we’re gonna buy electricity and oil from them freeloaders, then they should buy some of the stuff they need from the US.” Asked what he had in mind, Trump replied immediately, “snow.”
Winding down after 60 minutes, Trump turned the conversation back to the prospective annexation of Canada into American statehood. “Here’s the way I see it,” said Trump, waving his tiny hands in front of him. “On their own, the Canadians ain’t got much. Up till now, it’s been all Wayne Gretzky, but Gretzky is old, he’s retired, he’s yesterday’s news. His record was even broke–by our good friends, the Russians.”
Trump went on, “Now they got what, Celine Dion? How old is she?” he asked someone off camera. He nodded. “Still, Melania’s younger that her. That’s not what I’d call a good deal. And Michael J. Fox? Are you kidding? That little spaz?” He Trump made violent gyrations with his hands and shoulders to indicate profound physical disability. “No, thank you,” he concluded.
“You know,” began Trump thoughtfully, “ever’ time you turn around in Canada nowadays, you run into a Hilton Hotel; did you know there are now 205 Hilton hotels and resorts in our nation’s new 51st state? And (Ill. Gov. and Hilton heir JB) Pritzker’s got his fingers all over them. There ain’t a condom that gets changed in a Hilton room that Pritzker don’t know about. There’s somethin’ crooked about that guy, I think. He’s a horrible, bad person. He don’t even charge his security detail to stay in the Hilton where they’re on duty.” Trump shook his head. “It’s sad,” he said.
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