[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Pope to Jesus: Now Would Be a Real Good Time to Come Again

Pope Francis posts messages for Jesus on Facebook and Twitter

VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis I today appealed to Jesus Christ to expedite His second coming “before there is no world for You to come again to, Sir!”

Pope Francis, Jesus ChristHe added that it would “probably help” if Jesus also brought along Abraham, Moses and Mohamed, “so as to speak to their constituencies too.”

The Pope’s message was broadcast on all available social media, including Facebook and Twitter. Reddit and Tumblr said they had to temporarily suspend access because of the sudden volume of traffic following news of the announcement.

“Dear Lord Jesus, Humanity’s Messiah, Only Son of God, Omnipotent Author of the Universe and Primum Mobile of all Things,” the Pope’s message begins, accompanied on Facebook by the sound of angelic choirs. The text is interspersed with pictures of misty landscapes, images of the earth taken from outer space, and several world masterpieces including The Last Supper and Michelangelo’s Pieta.

“You are surely aware, Sir,” the papal text continues, “that all is not well in this little world you profess to love so much. Excuse me for speaking bluntly, but unless you take some responsibility for this bloody mess and come again, like yesterday, you better put in more mansions in your Father’s house. The neighborhood is going to get seriously crowded soon.”

“And please also alert the Other Guy below,” the Pope adds, “because it’s going to get even worse down there, believe me.”

The papal message noted that humanity’s “sickness unto death” is both physical and spiritual. The two are equally toxic and without Divine Intervention will most likely prove fatal “to a planet and a species that clearly have already begun to die.”

Physically, global warming is out of control, and humanity has no hope of uniting to deal with it. Indeed, many would work actively to sabotage it. Spiritually, Francis noted, philosophies such as ISIS/Islam, and growing violent elements in other faiths and political movements, are “spreading like a gangrene and slowly rotting away the world, leaving nothing behind for our children but despair, emptiness and death.”

For all these reasons, Pope Francis urged the Lord to come again immediately, take control and save the world from itself.

The presence of Abraham, Moses and Mohamed “would be a definite plus,” he said, “while if God the Father would Himself participate, then all humanity would see that He really does love the world enough to put in couple of hours to save it.”

“After all,” the Pope observed, “that can’t be as distressing as having you crucified a second time. However, if that’s what it takes, would you be willing to go again? Send me a Tweet.”

The papal message ends with the simple observation that unless the heavens open soon, and Jesus Christ, Moses and Mohamed magically appear to save us, “humanity is seriously fucked. Sincerely, The Pope.”

Michael Egan