[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Same-Sex Marriage = Same-Day Carnage

Will the legalization of same-sex marriage destroy the world, as pundits claim?

An alien invasion. Labor camps for heterosexuals. Man-dog marriage, followed by man-dog babies…
If you think these weird scenarios are extracts from Charlie Sheen’s diary, think again. According to specific socially conservative pundits and right-wing legislators, the legalization of same-sex marriage will destroy the world, and the aforementioned predictions are not just possible, they are probable.

same-sex marriageIf you placed Sepp Blatter and Paul Giamatti in a gigantic blender, what would you get? Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, of course, and he had a chilling message for the people of the United States. He talked about the threat “to American democracy,” before going on to use words like “jiggery pokery” and “pure applesauce” to really add weight to this compelling argument.

Back in March, shortly after spending the night camping with Josh Duggar, Mike Huckabee, the Republican presidential candidate, warned each and every priest, pastor, reverend and religious heterosexual about the dangers they faced. “Mark my words, Stalinist-inspired mass detention centers are a formality if and when the gays get power. We will be sodomized, I tell you, sodomized,” bellowed America’s modern day answer to Boss Hogg.

Fox pundit Bill O’Reilly, a man never afraid to get it spectacularly wrong, warned viewers that same-sex marriage would inevitably lead to inter-species marriage. “Men marrying men, women marrying women, what’s next? My neighbor Tony marrying his turtle. I’m sorry Tony, as much as I love Trevor, your turtle, if I get an invite to your wedding, honestly, I will not attend. Call me petty, Tony, but that’s how I feel.”

Tony later called Bill an asshole. Furthermore, Tony is happily married (to a woman), has two kids, and does not own a turtle named Trevor.

Finally, Pat Robertson, the evangelist preacher and much despised bigot, warned any person stupid enough to listen, “Forget your umbrellas, forget your sunscreen. Nothing can protect us from the treacherous weather of tomorrow. Fire and brimstone on Monday, heavy showers of blood on Tuesday, we’re all dead by Wednesday. Don’t you dare laugh. In the immortal words of Maroon 5, this summer’s gonna hurt like a motherf**ker.”

John Glynn