[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Michigan Protesters Take Aim at McDonald’s, Demand Return of McRib

Buoyed by support from the president, Michigan protesters have demanded the fast food giant to bring back the beloved menu item permanently.

After demonstrating against Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer’s stay-at-home orders, protesters in Lansing, Michigan — some of them armed with assault weapons — on Friday moved from the state’s capitol building to a nearby McDonald’s to demand the permanent return of the McRib.

Michigan Protesters Demand Return of McRibWhen asked about the sudden shift in focus, one protester, armed with an AR-15, said, “This is all about freedom: freedom to have any virus we choose, freedom to spread that virus to any loved one we choose, and most importantly, freedom to pack our arteries with any questionable pork product we choose. And I swear, this has nothing to do with the fact it’s nearly lunchtime.”

The iconic pork sandwich has retained a cult following despite infrequent appearances on the McDonald’s menu. Speaking to us over the phone, a spokesperson for the company commented on the events, stating, “While we are more than willing to take Americans’ money and their chance at a healthy life, we will not be bullied into changing our menu. I mean, c’mon. We gave them breakfast! We gave them the Shamrock Shake! Wasn’t that enough?”

President Trump meanwhile has voiced support for the demonstrators, saying in a series of tweets, “The McRib, it’s fabulous. It’s the great American sandwich, maybe the greatest ever made. Now if only Sleepy Joe and Crooked Hillary would let the American people have what they want!” It’s unclear what role Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton play in offering the McRib; however Laura Ingraham of Fox News has accused both of having ties to McDonald’s competitors, going so far as to dub them “The Burger King and Wendy.”

We have also reached out to Michigan’s governor for comment. According to her office, Governor Whitmer, previously the target of the protests, was relieved to hear the protesters had moved on from the capitol building. When asked about it later in a press conference, the governor said simply, “I’m lovin’ it.” (McDonald’s has not yet stated whether it will bring a lawsuit against the governor for copyright infringement.)

This story is still developing, as are Michigan protesters waist lines.

Evan Helmlinger

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