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Sep 212014
 
 By , September 21, 2014
White House Down

Unannounced visitor causes stir at White House To get into the White House nowadays, one must be as devious as they are intelligent, right? Wrong. You must be able to do just one thing, hop a fence. Unsurprisingly, after Omar “Speedy” Gonzalez, a 42-year-old Texan decided [more...]

Sep 192014
 
 By , September 19, 2014
Wheeling and Dealing: The Vatican's Dirty Secret

Using Vatican diplomatic plates as cover This past Tuesday, while performing a routine search of a Vatican car, police made a rather unexpected discovery, one that included a copy of The God Delusion, copious amounts of cocaine, and over five kilos of marijuana. Jorge Mejia, [more...]

Sep 152014
 
 By , September 15, 2014
Apple Set to Purchase Boob-Squeezing Simulator for iWatch

New iWatch Technology ‘Increases levels of intimacy for consenting users’ CUPERTINO CA — Apple CEO Tim Cook announced today that his company is negotiating the purchase of Occulis Rift, a virtual-reality technology that runs the popular “Boob Squeezing Simulator” developed by an anonymous but probably [more...]

Sep 082014
 
 By , September 8, 2014
NYPD Impounds Joan Rivers' Joke Files

Joan Rivers’ “words of mass destruction” are “dangerous in the wrong hands,” say police NEW YORK CITY — City authorities in New York yesterday sealed off Joan Rivers’ Upper East Side apartment, barring access to her famous filing cabinet of jokes and one-liners. Referred to [more...]

Sep 032014
 
 By , September 3, 2014
Police Say Handcuffed Man Was Suicidal Contortionist

Police victimized once again by a contortionist who stole a poor cop’s handgun and committed suicide, all while handcuffed behind the back — honest! IBERIA, LA — At a press conference today, the Iberia Parish sheriff defended coroner Carl Ditch’s finding of suicide in the [more...]

Sep 012014
 
 By , September 1, 2014
Burger King Describes Latest Whopper as 'Loaded'

We knew Burger King’s food was rich, but this is ridiculous. Burger King, the whopper giant that sits perpetually in the cool shade of rival McDonald’s when it comes to corporate profits, has come up with a clever marketing ploy. Most would guess that it’s [more...]

Aug 282014
 
 By , August 28, 2014
Get Your Own Piece of Fame: Celebrity Remnants for Sale!

Celebrity remnants are all the rage now A new entrepreneurial enterprise has arisen to overnight success: “Celebrity Remnants.” Now the ordinary person can have very personal discarded pieces of famous celebrities. The price ranges vary, depending upon the celebrity and how personal the piece is. [more...]