High Card Draw to End Ukraine War - Peter Merkl, Humor Times

By Peter Merkl

The White House today released this transcript of a high card draw “ceremony” — winner wins the war.

High Card Draw Ceremony Participants: Presidents Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, and Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

High Card Draw, Reykjavik, Iceland — Reykjavik, Iceland. Photo: kallerna, Wikipedia, CC BY-SA 3.0.

[Participants are seated at a small round table]

[Trump] As everyone knows, we’ve been having trilateral peace talks for a week here in Reykjavik, Sweden and we’re stuck, can’t make a deal.

[Putin] Reykjavik, Iceland.

[Trump] Iceland? No wonder we can’t do a deal. We’re surrounded by stupid people. Offered Icelanders each a fortune if they’d become a state. Turned me down. Stupid, stupid people.

[Zelenskyy] No, you wanted to buy Greenland.

[Trump] What’s the difference, they’re both loser countries. Anyway, I’m bored with these talks. All these Ukrainian towns: Don Bass, Lou Hansk, Don Etsk, they all sound like light hitting Yankee infielders to me. So, we’ve all agreed to a game of high card draw to determine Ukraine’s fate. If Putin draws the high card, Russia gets all of Ukraine. If Zelenskyy draws it, Russia completely withdraws from Ukraine. I don’t really care who wins because either way, I get a Nobel Peace Prize and a legitimate shot at going to heaven. And that means a lot the closer I circle the drain, believe me.

This whole mess just shows you that before you start a country, you need to be more careful about who your neighbor’s gonna be. Russia and Ukraine wouldn’t be neighbors if I’d been president back then.

Same with Israel and the Palestinians. I’d have given New Mexico to the Jews after World War II; it’d be the richest state in the Union, instead of the pain in the ass, poor, Democrat controlled state it is now, which I lost bigly. The Jews would have made the New Mexico desert bloom, right Vladimir? [Putin grunts]

Anyway, let’s get this over with so I can get back to the hottest country in the world, which was a zero, an absolute zero, when Biden was president. Zelenskyy you’ll draw first.

[Putin] Before we proceed with this historic ceremony, I would like to offer a toast.

[Trump] No, Vladimir, because….

[Putin] I’ve brought a very special champagne to mark this momentous occasion. It’s a million-dollar bottle.

[Trump] A million? In that case, you guys drink up. I, famously, don’t imbibe.

[Zelenskyy] I demand that someone taste mine first. I don’t trust Russians bearing gifts.

[Trump] See, what I mean? How can I do a deal with these people? No trust. [Trump beckons J.D. Vance over and hands Zelenskyy’s champagne glass to him] Here, J.D., taste it.

[Vance tastes it, grabs his throat with both hands, and drops dead.]

[Zelelnskyy] Russian treachery! Putin is the devil’s spawn!

[Trump] Vladimir did you have anything to do with this?

[Putin] With what?

[Trump] J.D.’s death.

[Putin] I know nothing about it.

[Zelenskyy] Liar! Demon!

[Trump] Vladimir denied it, and I believe him. I didn’t look into his soul, like Bush did, terrible president by the way, but, to me, Vladimir looks like he’s telling the truth. You didn’t ‘Navalny’ J.D., did you Vladimir? Republicans do have a deep bench, little Marco can easily step in, but still, it’s a setback.

[Putin] I said what I said.

[Trump] Alright, let’s dispense with the champagne toast and draw cards.

[Zelenskyy draws the king of hearts.]

[Trump] Wow, look at that. Well, Vladimir, it looks like it’s all but over for you and your stupid decision to start this stupid, destructive war. Never would’ve happened if I’d been president. What a shame. Draw a card, and I’m on my way to Oslo, Sweden and a golden palace in heaven!

[Zelenskyy] Norway.

[Trump] So long as it’s not Greenland, ‘cause I’m outta here.

[As Putin reaches for the deck of cards, Joe Biden and Jake Tapper enter through a side door. Biden slowly shuffles up to the table and shakes Putin’s hand] George Clooney, haven’t seen you in years, how you doing? Look at you, playing cards with your chauffeur and some orange man with a fabulous combover. [As he reaches to shake hands with Trump, Biden knocks over the table scattering the cards on the floor.]

[Trump] What in God’s name are you two guys doing here?

[Tapper] Joe’s as sharp as a tack, but he still thinks he’s president. Could you just indulge him?

[Putin stands up and strips off his shirt while shouting] Back to the battlefield! See you in hell!

[Trump] That’s what worries me.

[End]

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