Republicans Not Interested in 'Popularity Contest'

Say appealing to the masses is undignified


Rep. Bachmann: What’s so great about popularity?
A Humor Times special report

Faced with declining popularity in the polls and accused of turning their backs on moderate elements within their party, top Republicans say their motivations are pure and beyond reproach. "We're not trying to win a popularity contest here, we're standing up for principal," said Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-MN.

When asked if getting elected isn't basically a popularity contest, Bachmann replied, "Most congress members should be impeached anyway. Newspapers should be investigating anti-American sentiment in Congress."

Bachmann insists that contrary to her public image, she does have a heart, and that someone has
to help the downtrodden and unfairly prosecuted CEOs, because "We're running out of rich
people in this country." She accused Obama of only thinking of the "suddenly in vogue middle
class," always touting his "elitist economic recovery act."

"We know, for example, that the Republican National Congress resolution telling Democrats they should agree to rename themselves the 'Democrat Socialist Party' would be seen as a sophomoric stunt and make us look all the more ridiculous, but we just don't care anymore," she said.

Other top Republicans agree that the party must stick to its principles. For example, they're not likely to give up their hard-line stance on gay marriage. "Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?" asked Sen. Rick Santorum, (R-PA).

Another unpopular practice they continue to defend is torture. "Torture is a despicable practice, and most Americans think so, but since we're pure and not swayed by public opinion, we continue to send Lord Vader, er, I mean, Dick Cheney out there to defend it," said Santorum. "Now that sure ain't gonna win us no popularity contests, but just call us dreamers, I guess."

Texas Gov. Rick Perry chimed in, adding, "Who needs a majority in the country anyway? We here in Texas are our own majority, and if we have to secede from the union to prove it, we will!"

Republican stalwart talking head Ann Coulter proclaimed that "Democrats are wimps and Republicans need to stay strong to save the country. I'm more of a man than any liberal." Regarding Obama's middle east foreign policy, which she called "traitorous," her advice is to simplify. "Invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity," she said.

[The links in this article go to the source for these actual quotes!]

Insurance Companies Say Public Option Not Covered

Insist it must be killed to save patient

A Humor Times special report


AHIP's Karen Ignagni: ‘Pre-existing condition.’
Lobbyists for private health care insurance companies say that the public option in the Obama plan is no longer needed – they have miraculously found ways to save trillions that would normally have been added to pad their profits in coming years.

The only problem, they say, is that Obama “must first eradicate his proposal for a public health care option,” according to America’s Health Insurance Plans (AHIP), the nation’s largest health insurance lobbying group. Such an option would “rise like an alien beast from the chest of America’s body politic,” they insist, should it be allowed to “infest consumer consciousness at this early stage.”

“This country was founded on private enterprise,” said Harold Fairington, lobbyist for Health Net, “and introducing a foreign concept like a public insurance provider could be dangerous to our national health. Luckily, our timing is serendipitous, and we just happened to come up with some great ideas right now on slowing down our regularly scheduled price increases. At least, until we’ve exterminated this health threat.”

“It’s basically a pre-existing condition,” explained Karen Ignagni, President and CEO of AHIP. “Single-payer type systems have already infected nearly every other industrialized country in the world, and you can see what havoc they have wrought. We need to quarantine our nation’s pristine health care system from this menace.”

While the insurance lobby is basically saying “if ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” other views are being expressed in an increasingly contentious debate over health care, not least by doctors and nurses themselves.

“The insurance companies deny access to care to even those with insurance, by shoddy practices,” said Dr. Claudia Fegan, president of the Physicians for a National Health Program (PNHP). “Over 12,000 physicians support a national health insurance program that will cover everyone with the money we would save from the administrative waste of our current system.”

“That’s fine,” Ignagni replied when told of Fegan’s comment, “if you want elitist doctors and nurses deciding your fate. We’re more in touch with the little guy. And besides, do you really want to be like France, England, Canada and the rest of the world? Case closed. Coverage denied. Next patient please.”

America Repels Alien Attack on Native Soil

Invaders target nation’s lawns, requiring “Shock and Awe” strategy, say experts


They may look harmless and even pretty to the
untrained eye, but these weeds are the enemy.
A Humor Times special report

When pundits debate national security in the media these days, they’re usually referring to threats posed by Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea. No doubt very important stuff, but every spring we face a growing insurgency right here at home: the massive invasion of unsightly weeds on the nation’s lawns.

“I’m at my wits end,” says Ernest Sanders of Atlanta, Georgia, who loves a uniform green lawn. “The weeds are the worst I’ve ever seen them, despite the gallons and gallons of weed killer I’ve saturated my yard with.”

According to U.S. Department of Agriculture, annual turf and lawn maintenance altogether is a $30 billion industry. However, over 400 different species of weeds and insects are now resistant to some or all pesticides traditionally used to battle them.

The extent of the problem is “rather startling” says Robert Metcalf of the University of Illinois. “It makes you think we’re doing something wrong.”

Indeed. Something is wrong, and according to Sam Restinthall, a lawn care specialist in Los Angeles, California, it is that we have not committed ourselves fully to the fight.

“We need a real ‘Shock and Awe’ strategy, to rid our nation of these foreign invaders, once and for all,” says Restinthall. “If the $8.9 billion we spend annually on lawn chemicals isn’t doing the job, let’s dump $20 billion on it. Talk about a great stimulus plan! We in the lawn care industry could use it, I’ll tell ya,” he said.

But radical capitalist-hating organic types say we shouldn’t be “poisoning” our lawns. They say weeds won’t thrive in rich soil, so people should work on making their soil healthy.

“Taller blades help shade the roots from the heat, so set the mower blade height to 3 inches, or more if your mower has a higher setting,” says Charlotte Berkenshire, organic lawn care expert from Lubbock, Texas.

“Buy sugar. Apply it to your lawn at the rate 1 pound sugar per 250 sq. ft. of lawn. Water it in well. Your soil has beneficial microbes that work round the clock, all year round, enriching the soil. Fertilizers, weed killers etc, kill these microbes. Sugar keeps them alive,” she says.

While that sounds sweet, Restinthall says it’s “living in fantasy land.” “She probably recommends smoking a big joint before mixing up the sugar water too,” he warned, “and that, as we all know, may be pleasant on a sunny day, but it is illegal.”

According to Monsanto, the nation’s leading pesticide manufacturer, citizens should be buying their genetically modified “Happy Grass” product, and using five tons of Round-Up each year on an average size lawn.

“If you want a stress-free lawn, you’ve got to use 21st century science,” said Ronald Dorkendurf, a consumer relations expert with Monsanto. “Our Happy Grass will grow green and strong, and is impervious to Round Up – so apply lots and lots of it. Nothing will live on your lawn but grass, it’s so easy!”

When asked about the effect of all that pesticide on pets and children playing on the lawn, Dorkendurf said, “Everyone knows lawns are for looking at, not playing on. Get your kids back inside on their video games where they belong, and put that dog on a leash!”

God Now Twittering

Says Dalai Lama's tweets are 'amateur' and that He’s making popcorn and watching March Madness

HEAVEN – The Christian God began “Twittering” yesterday – a way of blogging very short posts, using an internet connection or a mobile phone. And in His very first Tweet, the Lord sayeth, “If the Dalai Lama can do it, I can do it,” adding, “Being the Almighty, I can go over 140 characters anytime I damn well please, I hope you know, pe...” before his post was cut off.

Religious scholars debated the ramifications of the Supreme Being’s new line of communication to mankind, some postulating that it could have negative consequences for the economy, as it would put preachers and prophets out of work, and possibly even diminish people’s need for churches.

“We will see preachers taking up the practice of twittering, just to stay relevant,” said Norman Holimeister, professor emeritus at Harvard Divinity School. “After all, if they claim a special connection with God, they can’t very well let laymen get the edge on them.”

According to Holimeister, part of God’s motivation to twitter may even be competitive. To support this view, he noted that five minutes after the Dalai Lama twittered, “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions,” God tweeted, “I made humans inherently happy, if you can’t keep it, that’s just plain karma, ok, people? ROCL!” (Twitter experts said this was probably a variation on the popular acronym ROFL, this one translating as “Rolling on clouds laughing!”)

In another post, the all-seeing deity, apparently still watching the NCAA basketball tournament, said, “Gawd, I sure gave these kids some hops, didn’t I? It’s downright nasty!” As a result of His basketball posts, a barrage of tweets have recently been posted that read like prayers (now being called “Twayers”), such as this one from hoopsman342: “Oh, God, please bless me with another 3 inches of lift, and I’ll be dunking hard with some freaky hang time!”

According to twitterholic.com, God shot up to a #1 worldwide ranking within just six hours of his first post. “He may be a Twewbie [a newbie on Twitter], but this is not altogether surprising,” said Jeremiah Yang, Senior Analyst on Social Computing for Forrester Research in Silicon Valley, California. “After all, He has always been a very popular figure. People just want to know what’s on His mind.”

Reported by Holy Joe, Humor Times spiritual correspondent

Republicans Eschew ‘Country First’ Motto

New slogan ‘Failure IS An Option’ a better fit, they say

A Humor Times exclusive report

WASHINGTON, DC – The GOP was forced to retract its “Country First” motto today, first rolled out during Senator John McCain’s presidential campaign last year. Noting that it “contradicts” their current strategy, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) said, “In our effort to come up with a unified plan going forward, we decided to replace the now-irrelevant motto with our new one, ‘Failure IS An Option.’”

“It’s a new day, and a new challenge for the party,” said Boehner, “and we must convey our message to the American people clearly. The new slogan says to America, ‘Yes, we can fail, and it’s ok.’”

The Republican congressman maintained that “failing is the best way to succeed” in this new political climate, insisting that “by failing now, the nation will see that Democrats suck, and that there is no choice but to return to Republican rule, no matter how distasteful it may seem.”

Although painful in the short term, a massive failure by the Obama administration would allow the GOP to “pick up the pieces,” said Rush Limbaugh, the current de facto leader of the party, on his daily radio show. Limbaugh told listeners that Republicans must return “this lost and confused nation” to a “fiscally sound strategy of tax cuts for the rich, and a real, kick-ass stimulus strategy, consisting of a continuous war footing and empire building to put people to work in real careers – not these namby-pamby, eco-terrorist, solar fantasy jobs.”

“It’s time the American people woke up from their unrealistic dreams of ‘hope’ and returned to reality here. Obama is evil, Republicans are good – it’s really that simple,” Limbaugh shouted, adding, “Enough of the charade! Bring it on. Bring on the new depression, that’ll wake these dreamers up!”