Wall Street Firms, Banks Agree: Times Never Better

Calls for another ‘profitable crisis for America’ mount

A Humor Times exclusive

Wall Street and the major banks have joined together to call for another economic crisis, since the recent one “worked so well,” according to sources.

“Our economy has had a miraculous recovery,” said Lloyd Blankchek, CEO of Goldman Sachs in a press conference today, “and our company, along with other heroes of Wall Street, say let’s not mess with success – in these times, any formula that works should be duplicated, if possible.”

Indeed, the crisis and the bailout that followed it resulted in a bonanza year for Goldman Sachs, which in 2009 set aside a record $16.7 billion to pay its workers, or about $700,000 per employee. “And that’s just chump change,” said Blankchek, “with our talent, we can do even better – with the right stimulus.”

Not all companies agreed totally with Blankchek’s strategy, however. Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis said that a “regular, recurring” crisis with accompanying bailouts was the “more secure strategy going forward.”

“What we need is a way to assuage the uncertainty of critical players in the financial marketplace, so as to allow them to do their jobs with more confidence,” said Lewis, “so I propose a regularly scheduled crisis/bailout scenario. It just makes sense for America.”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner agreed that some sort of ongoing plan was needed, saying, “Wall Street is America, and we need to provide for its long term survival – after all, how can we ask these heroes to get by without obscenely huge bonuses to motivate them? Besides, I won’t be in this crummy job forever, and when I go through that revolving door – just like any American – I want some job security.”

Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN to Build Wall on Mexican Border

Says he’s tired of waiting for those ‘damn liberals’ to act

Lou Dobbs announced he was leaving his longtime show in a broadcast that shocked all five of his viewers in November. “I’m proud of my long service here,” said the longest-running anchor on CNN, “and of my tireless devotion to getting the story right -- far right.”

Dobbs said he planned to organize the ragtag group of border watchers calling themselves the Minutemen and begin construction on “a thousand mile wall even Israel would envy.” The maverick TV host is not worried about permits, saying “I’m on the side of Right, and those wetbacks will soon be stuck on the side of Wrong.”

CNN President Jon Klein hailed Dobbs’ “characteristic forthrightness,” and said that “since Lou has decided on his own to carry his banner of advocacy journalism elsewhere, I won’t be needing this,” as he tore up a pink piece of paper. “He was a good man who helped make cable news safe for intolerant dogmatists, and now that he’s gone, I’m going to let our advertisers know it’s safe to come back.”

Unconfirmed reports say that Fox News chairman Roger Ailes has contacted Mr. Dobbs, telling him there is a time slot that “will soon be available,” being vacated by a “certain crybaby.”

Obama Signs Bipartisan Health & Economy Omnibus Bill

Super bill aims to solve all problems by requiring Americans to spend like never before

A Humor Times exclusive

WASHINGTON DC – President Obama signed historic legislation today that he said will “help us pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.” This was one big spending bill that even Republicans could get behind, because the spending will not be done by the government.

“Once we had decided to force Americans to pay for bloated health insurance premiums, we said, why stop there?” explained Senate Republican Mitch McConnell. “So we’re stimulating the economy without hurting the vulnerable among us, including bankers. It’s a win-win.”

Indeed, the bill forces all Americans to buy not only health insurance, but one each of the following American-built items, whether or not they already own them: a new car, a hi-definition TV, 42" or larger, and a HD package to go with it, a new cell phone and wireless plan, a home (condominiums ok), a major appliance (stove, refrigerator, etc), at least one piece of furniture and a plane flight or flights adding up to a minimum of 1,000 miles – all within two years. All citizens will also be required to spend at least $1,000 on holiday gifts this season, whether or not they celebrate Christmas.

“We will also encourage folks to open new credit card accounts, to help pay for it all,” said Senator Max Baucus (D-MT), “and the bill mandates that credit card companies allow anyone to open one. We realized, of course, that we couldn’t rightfully set any limit on interest rates them – after all, banks have already been through so much trauma, what with the credit crash and the stress of waiting to see whether we’d bail them out or not.”

While consumer groups have cried foul, saying it’s not fair to force people to buy poorly made American goods and go into deeper debt, Baucus says it’s all been dealt with in the bill.

“As the great President John F. Kennedy once said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country,’” he explained, “so these folks need to stop whining and step up to the plate. Besides, we’ve thought of the problem of some lazy unemployeds not paying their bills – we’ll be building debtor’s prisons, which will also stimulate our prison industrial complex, one of America’s greatest assets!”

‘Righters’: New Group Claims to Be Righter Than the Left

Culmination of ‘Birther’ type groups said to incorporate all of them

A Humor Times exclusive

The latest right-wing activist group to emerge thinks they have what it takes to be the last. As one of the founders of the new “Righters,” John Snickers of Brownsville, Texas says, “We encompass all of the points these various groups of heroes espouse: the Birthers, who question Obama’s nationality, the Deathers, who question his health plan, the Tenthers, who say the 10th Amendment means the federal government can’t tell them what to do. We do all that and we are totally right on all the issues. So obviously, anyone who opposes us is wrong.”

The Righters are leaving nothing to chance, and are taking the correct position on every important national issue. To assure that this goal is attained and maintained, Righters say they limit their sources of information. Once they take a position, they don’t want to risk getting any information that might imperil that position, or else they might have to change it, which would mean they weren’t right at one time. “That's impossible,” said Mr. Snickers, “since we're always right. We're the Righters.”

“For example, you've got the Deathers outing Obama on his plan to kill their grandmas to save on health care costs. Well, we go one better – we're fighting for the right to keep our economy-stimulating high health care insurance rates, so that freedom-loving corporations like WellPoint can continue to make huge profits while saving our grandmas. If we can do this without treating a single illegal alien, we’ve attacked all these problems at once, and it all comes full circle for America's economy. It's so simple.”

“We expect quick and explosive growth within our organization, and we are preparing for it. Obviously, people want to be right, and not wrong. ‘If you can't fight 'em, you gotta join 'em,’ as they say."

The group is working on promotion strategies, including bumper stickers that read “Righters Do It Righter,” “If I'm Right, What Does That Make You?” and “Right Makes Might.”

A Few Bad Nuts Spoil the ACORN

According to news reports that have been judged fair and balanced, the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, or ACORN, has apparently gone nuts. The 39 year old organization, which has dedicated itself to “building community organizations that are committed to social and economic justice,” is now apparently all about helping ho’s get cribs they can turn into whorehouses for underage sex slaves from El Salvador.

The embattled organization claims many victories since 1970 on “thousands of issues of concern to our members, through direct action, negotiation, legislative advocacy and voter participation.” Obviously, after nearly four decades of success in helping those in need, the organization is completely unsalvageable now, and should be abolished, say Republican senators.

Even Democrats are being careful not to be seen as supporting the once-respected group. “Sorry, poor folk, it’s a tough time to be giving you even less help, but we’re confident you’re a resourceful bunch. Good luck,” said former supporter, Democratic Senator Al Franken of Minnesota.

Ironically, ACORN has been a great help in registering Hispanics and blacks for the Democratic party. “I’m sure that has nothing to do with why Republicans have sought to vilify us for so long,” said Sally Jorgenson, press liaison for ACORN.

“Just look at how they promote themselves,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner, “using all those code words. ‘Direct action, voter participation’ – they’re obviously trying to recruit al Queada sympathizers for terrorist activity.”

After the scandal broke, ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis announced that, “As a result of the indefensible action of a handful of our employees, I am … immediately ordering a halt to any new intakes into ACORN's service programs until completion of an independent review.”

“That should help until we can finally close down that subversive group,” said Rep. Boehner.
Both houses of Congress voted immediately and overwhelmingly to stop all federal funding support for ACORN. And the rich began to party, as those pesky po’ people have just lost the nation’s largest grassroots community organization of low- and moderate-income people.

“The nation is safe once again,” said Boehner.