NBC to Put Leno and O’Brien on Rotating Schedule

‘We’re the most innovative network in television’ says executive

A Humor Times Special Report

A new twist in the late-night television drama at NBC was announced today, as the network promised a major shakeup with “the whole concept of television scheduling.” Moving Jay Leno to 10 PM “worked so well this year,” say network executives, that they want to continue coming up with bold new ideas. “America is tired of the same ol’ time slots, and they want change. We’re the only network delivering it,” said NBC president Jeff Szucker.

Beginning after the winter Olympics, NBC will put The Tonight Show, now hosted by former late night host Conan O’Brien, on at 10 PM instead of Leno, and put Leno back in his old slot at 11:30 PM. The following week, they plan on moving Leno over to midday, along with the daily soaps, in an effort to expand the show’s fan base.

“After that, we may try Jay in a morning show slot – he’d be a great wake-up show host, with all his energy!” said Michael Bass, Senior Vice President of Strategic Initiatives for the network. “And after that, who knows? We’ve got some great ideas. Maybe we’ll try Conan as a host for one of those paid infomercial slots – he could sell anything!”

While Jay Leno is on during the day, the network said, they’ll probably alternate Jimmy Fallon’s late night show with O’Brien’s, “just to keep things fresh.” “I’m sure the hosts will love it. Great fodder for material. And we don’t mind the occasional joke at our expense, either – it’s all in good fun,” explained Mr. Bass.
The possibilities are endless, say network executives. “With the major networks like ours in decline and competing against all the specialty cable shows, we plan on attempting all kinds of crazy things,” ventured Szucker.

“We could have a show within a show, we could play them backwards, we might even run Leno and O’Brien simultaneously, with a split screen and overlapping synchronized audio, where the hosts trade phrases and sentences on the fly. We’re so innovative, it’s scary!” he said.

McGwire Admits He Would’ve Hit More Homers Without Steroids

Says he took them for health and just to be ‘one of the guys’

A Humor Times exclusive

In a public admission recently, Mark McGwire finally came clean on his steroid use, which included the 1998 season, when he hit a record at the time of 70 home runs. But today, he stunned sports reporters and fans alike by candidly admitting it had actually lowered his home run production.

“I always knew this day would come, but I didn’t know when. Eventually, I knew I’d have to get this huge burden off my back,” said a sometimes tearful McGwire. “It’s time I was truthful with America and with myself: I took steroids and I’m sorry. I disappointed so many fans who expected more out of me.”

In an interview, McGwire said the steroids did not help him hit more home runs. On the contrary, he said, it “obviously slowed me down.” “The bulging muscles were fun for showing off to the ladies, but they just got in the way when I was trying to hit” he offered, adding, “I’m sure I would’ve gone way past what Barry Bonds did if I’d just stayed clean.”

McGwire maintained that he only took steroids for health issues and to be “one of the guys” – “Everyone was doing it, at least everyone I hung out with, and I just wanted to fit in. How could I know?” he asked, quietly beginning to sob.

“Man, I miss those times, though,” he mused. “The season that I set the home run record – it went by in a haze. All the press attention, the adoring crowds, the ’roid rage – I felt like a king! But it didn’t help me hit home runs, nope... not at all.”

“I was such a great hitter, I think that baseball should overlook the steroid use in my case, since it only slowed me down. I should be in the hall of fame,” McGwire insisted. “And I’ll make it easy on major league baseball by not even mentioning my use of speed, cocaine and the occasional PCP and ecstasy binges.”

Wall Street Firms, Banks Agree: Times Never Better

Calls for another ‘profitable crisis for America’ mount

A Humor Times exclusive

Wall Street and the major banks have joined together to call for another economic crisis, since the recent one “worked so well,” according to sources.

“Our economy has had a miraculous recovery,” said Lloyd Blankchek, CEO of Goldman Sachs in a press conference today, “and our company, along with other heroes of Wall Street, say let’s not mess with success – in these times, any formula that works should be duplicated, if possible.”

Indeed, the crisis and the bailout that followed it resulted in a bonanza year for Goldman Sachs, which in 2009 set aside a record $16.7 billion to pay its workers, or about $700,000 per employee. “And that’s just chump change,” said Blankchek, “with our talent, we can do even better – with the right stimulus.”

Not all companies agreed totally with Blankchek’s strategy, however. Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis said that a “regular, recurring” crisis with accompanying bailouts was the “more secure strategy going forward.”

“What we need is a way to assuage the uncertainty of critical players in the financial marketplace, so as to allow them to do their jobs with more confidence,” said Lewis, “so I propose a regularly scheduled crisis/bailout scenario. It just makes sense for America.”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner agreed that some sort of ongoing plan was needed, saying, “Wall Street is America, and we need to provide for its long term survival – after all, how can we ask these heroes to get by without obscenely huge bonuses to motivate them? Besides, I won’t be in this crummy job forever, and when I go through that revolving door – just like any American – I want some job security.”

Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN to Build Wall on Mexican Border

Says he’s tired of waiting for those ‘damn liberals’ to act

Lou Dobbs announced he was leaving his longtime show in a broadcast that shocked all five of his viewers in November. “I’m proud of my long service here,” said the longest-running anchor on CNN, “and of my tireless devotion to getting the story right -- far right.”

Dobbs said he planned to organize the ragtag group of border watchers calling themselves the Minutemen and begin construction on “a thousand mile wall even Israel would envy.” The maverick TV host is not worried about permits, saying “I’m on the side of Right, and those wetbacks will soon be stuck on the side of Wrong.”

CNN President Jon Klein hailed Dobbs’ “characteristic forthrightness,” and said that “since Lou has decided on his own to carry his banner of advocacy journalism elsewhere, I won’t be needing this,” as he tore up a pink piece of paper. “He was a good man who helped make cable news safe for intolerant dogmatists, and now that he’s gone, I’m going to let our advertisers know it’s safe to come back.”

Unconfirmed reports say that Fox News chairman Roger Ailes has contacted Mr. Dobbs, telling him there is a time slot that “will soon be available,” being vacated by a “certain crybaby.”

Obama Signs Bipartisan Health & Economy Omnibus Bill

Super bill aims to solve all problems by requiring Americans to spend like never before

A Humor Times exclusive

WASHINGTON DC – President Obama signed historic legislation today that he said will “help us pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.” This was one big spending bill that even Republicans could get behind, because the spending will not be done by the government.

“Once we had decided to force Americans to pay for bloated health insurance premiums, we said, why stop there?” explained Senate Republican Mitch McConnell. “So we’re stimulating the economy without hurting the vulnerable among us, including bankers. It’s a win-win.”

Indeed, the bill forces all Americans to buy not only health insurance, but one each of the following American-built items, whether or not they already own them: a new car, a hi-definition TV, 42" or larger, and a HD package to go with it, a new cell phone and wireless plan, a home (condominiums ok), a major appliance (stove, refrigerator, etc), at least one piece of furniture and a plane flight or flights adding up to a minimum of 1,000 miles – all within two years. All citizens will also be required to spend at least $1,000 on holiday gifts this season, whether or not they celebrate Christmas.

“We will also encourage folks to open new credit card accounts, to help pay for it all,” said Senator Max Baucus (D-MT), “and the bill mandates that credit card companies allow anyone to open one. We realized, of course, that we couldn’t rightfully set any limit on interest rates them – after all, banks have already been through so much trauma, what with the credit crash and the stress of waiting to see whether we’d bail them out or not.”

While consumer groups have cried foul, saying it’s not fair to force people to buy poorly made American goods and go into deeper debt, Baucus says it’s all been dealt with in the bill.

“As the great President John F. Kennedy once said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country,’” he explained, “so these folks need to stop whining and step up to the plate. Besides, we’ve thought of the problem of some lazy unemployeds not paying their bills – we’ll be building debtor’s prisons, which will also stimulate our prison industrial complex, one of America’s greatest assets!”