[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Jesus Christ Appears in New Anti-Trump Ad

Anti-Trump ad asks: “What Would Jesus Say?”

The Bipartisan Electorate Against Sociopath Trump, better known as BEAST, has just released a new anti-Trump television commercial featuring Jesus Christ.

Anti-Trump Ad with Jesus
Jesus in new anti-Trump ad.

The two-minute spot features actual quotes from both Jesus Christ, the Son of Man, and Donald Trump, the son-of-a-bitch. Alternating sound bites effectively create a virtual debate between two very different ideologies, and highlights their stark differences. Given below is the full transcript of the advertisement. Jesus, of course, won the coin toss and got to speak first:

(The commercial opens with the question: “What Would Jesus Say?” and then dissolves to a shot of Jesus. The camera then alternates between shots of Jesus and of Trump as they speak.)

JESUS:

What is truth?

TRUMP:

What do I know about it? All I know is what’s on the internet.

JESUS:

What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world, but loses his soul?

TRUMP:

I’m not a schmuck! Even if the world goes to hell in a handbasket I won’t lose a penny!

JESUS:

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

TRUMP:

The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.

JESUS:

If you want to be perfect, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in Heaven.

TRUMP:

Sometimes your best investments are the ones you don’t make.

JESUS:

For everyone who exalts himself shall be humbled, and everyone who humbles himself will be exalted.

TRUMP:

I think I am, actually humble. I think I’m much more humble than you would understand. I’m also honored to have the greatest temperament that anybody has. I would give myself a A+.

JESUS:

The meek shall inherit the earth.

TRUMP:

It is better to live one day as a lion than one hundred years as a sheep!

JESUS:

Turn the other cheek.

TRUMP:

We’re not allowed to punch back anymore. I’d like to punch him in the face!

JESUS:

Blessed are the peacemakers…

TRUMP:

I’m good at war. I’ve had lots of wars of my own. I’m really good at war. I love war in a certain way. But only when we win.

JESUS:

Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

TRUMP:

When you get these terrorists you have to take out their families.

JESUS:

Thou shalt not kill.

TRUMP:

I think our country does lots of killing also. I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody. It’s like incredible!

JESUS:

Let the one among you who is without sin cast the first stone.

TRUMP:

Why can’t we use nuclear weapons?

JESUS:

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.

TRUMP:

I’m speaking with myself, number one. Make me look bad and I’ll get ugly!

JESUS:

Ask and it will be given to you, search and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you.

TRUMP:

Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the thirty thousand emails that are missing.

JESUS:

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.

TRUMP:

Nobody has more respect for women than me. I grab ’em by the pussy!

JESUS:

Thou shalt not commit adultery.

TRUMP:

I sorta get away with things like that.

JESUS:

Thou shalt not steal.

TRUMP:

We have the worst laws!

JESUS:

Thou shalt not bear false witness.

TRUMP:

Fake news!

JESUS:

Cast your bread upon the waters…

TRUMP:

Radical socialist agenda!

JESUS:

Blessed be the poor, for yours is the Kingdom of God.

TRUMP:

Liberal hoax!

JESUS:

All power is given to me in heaven and earth.

TRUMP:

I alone can fix it.

JESUS:

Take heed that no man deceives you.

TRUMP:

What have you got to lose?

JESUS:

Follow me.

TRUMP:

Follow me on Twitter!

(On that dark note the ad fades to black with one final question: “Who Would Jesus Vote For?”)

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