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Matt Nagin

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Matt Nagin is an author, educator, actor, filmmaker and standup comedian. He has been published in Writer's Digest, The New York Post, .Mic, The Humor Times, The Higgs-Weldon, Grain Magazine, Arsenic Lobster, Spillway, Dash, Antigonish Review and many, many more. He also wrote and directed his first short film, "Inside Job," which premiered at The Mediterranean Film Festival Cannes, where it won Best Short Film. More info at mattnagin.com.

Jan 052017
 
 By , January 5, 2017

Inauguration turns into wild melee as them damn ‘librals’ tarnish ‘Merca’

Following one of the most contentious political seasons in recent history,  tens of thousands of Democrats gathered en masse on Pennsylvania Avenue to protest the swearing in of President Elect Donald Trump at the inauguration in Washington DC. Many wielded signs reading “Not Our President” and chanted “No Trump, No KKK, no Fascist USA.” This was rather an ironic chant, of course, since these liberals were all brainwashed by a cultish devotion to their supreme leader, Rachel Maddow.

inauguration protestWhile a few left-wing advocates robbed a Duane Reade at gun point in the name of peace, harmony, and inclusiveness — there was no full-scale riot until Donald Trump suggested he would fight Radical Islamic Terrorists. “Racist!” the liberals cried. “You’re stirring the pot!” Meanwhile, they burned down buildings, destroyed cars, and beat the hell out of an old lady wearing a baseball cap that read Make America Great Again.

Fox News reported that, “This was entirely to be expected from a protest spearheaded by whiny, entitled, utterly-impatient millennials.” Indeed, it is believed that the protests were so fierce because many millennials couldn’t imagine Trump might win — since they lived in a world where, as if an Instagram app, they just filtered out all the vile, malicious attributes of Hillary Clinton in order to make her look insanely attractive.

The real inauguration surprise came when a group of Trump supporters started protesting the protestors. They wielded signs such as “Not Our Liberals” and “Move to Canada, Idiots!” At one point Trump supporters led chants about Lena Dunham. Why Lena? Denis Miller explains: “Lena Dunham promised she’d move to Canada if Trump won. That untalented little brat should be waking up next to a moose. She should be praying to a maple leaf while a loon flies by overhead and drops giant turds on her. Instead, that crazy broad who has fantasy abortions is gonna make another horrible season of Girls.”

About ten minutes into these shenanigans a brawl broke out between red-state and blue-state supporters that bore more than a faint resemblance to a Civil War Reenactment Club gone bonkers. The inciting incident was a Chris Hayes interview of a Trump Supporter, Cletus Daughtry, who was accused of being Alt-Right since he had a Hitler mustache.

Hayes wanted to know how Daughtry could support Trump, who said he’d drain the swamp, yet filled his cabinet with billionaires like Wilbur Ross and Steve Mnuchin. “Ize from Arkansas see,” Daughtry said. “So I don’t mind me no swamp. Shit, deh more swamp deh better! I like gators too which is why I voted for deh Donald!” This comment was taken as unbelievable ignorance by the smug elitists progressives in the vicinity, and, as proof of their utter superiority, they pelted bushels of kale at Daughtry’s head. Daughtry didn’t take kindly to this. If he’d been gutted with a butterfly knife that would have been acceptable. But pelted with leafy vegetables? It seemed indecent.

He took a swing at one progressive hipster, who fell backwards, the filtered water from his canteen spilling onto the grass. “No!” he cried. “That’s PH-Balanced you inbred bastard!”

Before long there was a pile-on reminiscent of a WWF Royal Rumble. Republicans punished their liberal inferiors with headbutts, diving DDT’s, even an occasional suplex. Most progressives suffered more horribly than during the recount. The most fortunate of them ran off screaming while pissing their skinny jeans. The one exception was Michelle Obama who kicked Melania in the shin. This was proof to many observers that Michelle was a hypocrite, who never really meant her statement about “going high” when “[the opponent] go[es] low.” Donald Trump, meanwhile, grabbed Hillary Clinton in her holiest of holies as John Podesta wrote an email about it that ended up on Wikileaks.

Hours later, after the inauguration melee finally died down, President Trump was noble enough to apologize on The Kelly File and offer a real solution. At 4AM, he reiterated his position, tweeting “I regret punching Hillary Clinton in the you know what. Next time I’ll ask Vladimir Putin to nuke all liberal protestors. Megyn Kelly thinks this plan won’t work. SAD!”

Jan 182015
 
 By , January 18, 2015
Comedian Bill Burr Determines it's Safer to be a Sniper

“Snipers can defend themselves. They have AK-47’s.” – Bill Burr Bill Burr announced today he intends to become a sniper in the U.S. Marines. “It’s way safer than being a comedian,” he said. “Telling jokes has just become far too dangerous.” The news comes after [more…]

Apr 042013
 
 By , April 4, 2013
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg Bans Politeness

Bloomberg says his action, like the soda ban, will be good for New Yorkers, since releasing anger is healthy Propelled by the success of his recent soda ban, Mayor Bloomberg banned politeness today in all five New York City boroughs. “What makes this city so [more…]

Mar 152013
 
 By , March 15, 2013
U.S. Drone Killed John Boehner Last Night

President assures nation he will continue to use drones judiciously An enthused President Obama addressed the nation last night to announce that a U.S. drone strike has killed Rep. John Boehner. The President insisted the 61st speaker of the House of Representatives completely deserved it. [more…]

Mar 012013
 
 By , March 1, 2013
Ron Paul Offers Shocking Proposal to Limit Illegal Immigration

New illegal immigration proposal is a hot topic During the 2012 fiscal year the federal government spent more on immigration enforcement—18 billion—than on every other federal enforcement agency combined. We’ve build endless fences, surveillance towers, and added significantly to the number of border agents. Yet [more…]

Feb 262013
 
 By , February 26, 2013
Oscars Take Final Bow: Academy Retires

Upside: No more risk of Oscars hosts causing world to cringe Last night, in a stunning move, The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences retired. There will be no more Oscars awarded for the foreseeable future. Citing irreconcilable differences, the academy, comprised of 6000 [more…]

Feb 262013
 
 By , February 26, 2013
CEO of NRA Insists Armed Guards Can Stop Global Warming

Defending environment seen as good NRA strategy for bringing in leftists Wayne LaPierre, the NRA’s CEO, insists we can stop global warming by placing armed guards at the North and South poles. He acknowledges this will be costly, but feels the Earth should not be [more…]

Feb 242013
 
 By , February 24, 2013
New Social Networking Site, AIDS, Spreading Rapidly

Experts agree social networking is contagious Mark Zuckerberg suddenly has more to worry about than Google+. A new social networking platform, AIDS (Aggregated Individuals in a Digital Sewer), is spreading ten times faster than Facebook in its prime. “The name sucks,” said Jessica Sarcomi, “but [more…]

Feb 222013
 
 By , February 22, 2013
New Evidence Suggests the Garden of Eden is in Boca Raton

Scientists do about face on Garden of Eden Revolutionary developments in science happen infrequently. Copernicus upended Ptolemy’s earth-centric model of the universe. Newton formulated the laws of motion and universal gravitation. Einstein recalibrated Newtonian physics with his general theory of relativity. Yet none of these [more…]

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