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Patrick Lawlor

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Patrick Lawlor is a writer and comedian from New Jersey. He studied improv and sketch comedy writing at the Upright Citizens Brigade in New York.

Jul 052017
 
 By , July 5, 2017

McConnell, who reminds people of a turtle, says it’s best not to hurry.

NEW YORK — In a surprise political shift of responsibility, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has decided that he will now be manning the helm of the public transport agency of New York City, the MTA.

Mitch McConnell“Trains and buses hardly ever run on time,” said the Senator when asked why the sudden take over. “That’s a process I’m quite comfortable with.”

With the recent extension on the self-imposed deadline to repeal and replace Obamacare, McConnell has stumbled upon a cache of free time. In keeping with the spirit of productivity that the Senate is so popularly known for the Majority Leader has decided that his skill set would provide and even greater service to the Metro Transit Authority.

“If I could stall even just one bus route… one subway line… well, then I’ve done my job,” continued McConnell.

In a revolutionary policy shift, McConnell has also decided that numbers and letters will no longer be assigned to the MTA’s vehicles of transportation.

“We have found numbers as well as letters to be vastly confusing in regards to clarifying systemic transparency,” said McConnell. “I think we’ve proved that fact with absolute clarity while formulating health care reform.”

Employees of the MTA are not as confident with the sudden shift in authority.

“Who?” responded Felix Ramirez, a fifteen year veteran of the MTA, when asked his opinion of Senator McConnell. “The guy that looks like a plucked Thanksgiving turkey?”

Residents of Manhattan as well as the surrounding areas have been cautioned to utilize other modes of transportation such as hang gliders, zip lines, and being shot from a cannon if they plan to arrive to their destinations on time.

Mar 172017
 
 By , March 17, 2017
March 4th Declared National Opposites Day

“National Opposites Day is a day that will live in infamy, and I’m the first president to say that,” said Trump. In a desperate attempt to move beyond the accusations made by the White House that former President Barack Obama had wiretap surveillance installed at [more…]

Mar 152017
 
 By , March 15, 2017
Facebook, Moose Concussions and a Bit of Bullwinkle

Alaskan woman, attacked by moose, starts Facebook petition to boycott ‘Rocky and Bullwinkle’ An Alaskan woman who was out feeding her chickens recently was kicked in the head by a moose and has now begun circulating a petition on Facebook to boycott The Rocky and [more…]

Mar 072017
 
 By , March 7, 2017
Hold onto Your FUPAs: McDonalds Delivers

McDonalds is adding delivery service for those not able to make it off of their couches. The United States ranks number one in many global categories such as exporting jobs, or producing the world’s worst celebrities, but our bid at the top spot for fattest nation [more…]

Mar 032017
 
 By , March 3, 2017
Post Election Stress Disorder: It's a Real Thing

A new disorder, “Post Election Stress,” is sweeping the nation and has Americans flocking to therapists. A new form of stress is sweeping the nation and it has Americans flocking to their therapists in droves. Post Election Stress Disorder (PESD), also known a Political Pee [more…]

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