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John Glynn

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John Glynn is an Irishman, a lover of Guinness and a potato connoisseur. An expert in the area of mediocrity, he one day hopes to own a decent coffee maker and visit SeaWorld Orlando.

Jul 172016
 
 By , July 17, 2016

The new Pokémon Go smart phone app is jeopardizing one of the year’s biggest events — the Olympic Games.

Unless you have been in a coma for the last few weeks, you’re probably well aware of the new craze that’s sweeping the world: Pokémon Go.

Olympics, Pokémon Go

Pokémon Go monsters have already been spotted at Rio Olympic sports venues.

Pikachu and his pesky pals aren’t just blowing up your Facebook and Twitter feeds, the bastards have even tricked everyone into exercising more, and it’s no mean feat to get an average American up off his butt and outside running.

But now the app is jeopardizing one of the year’s biggest events — the Olympic Games.

Besides the threat of Pokémon Go monsters showing up at Rio Olympic sports venues and interrupting the action — not to mention monopolizing the fans’ attention as they try to capture them — athletes, too, are occupied with the craze, and opting out of the competition.

The sport of golf has waited over a century to get back into the Olympics, but the highly-anticipated return my be jeopardized. The top four golfers in the world have decided they’ll wait a bit longer to compete in the Games.


Related story: the Zika virus itself plans to compete in the Olympics, and threatens to “destroy the competition.”


Jordan Spieth is the latest big name to pull out, with the superstar delivering the final blow on Monday morning.

After the International Golf Federation asked why he would not be going to Rio next month, Spieth said that he had new, unforeseen commitments. When asked if this was a polite way of saying he was consumed by “Pokémon Go,” the American looked up briefly from his app and replied “yes.”

Jason Day, Dustin Johnson and Rory McIlroy previously withdrew, initially blaming the Zika virus, but later citing their obsession with “Pokémon Go.” Day and Johnson have said they plan on devoting theirs summer to the app, while McIlroy, who recently got engaged, said he would try his best to balance wedding preparations with his new obsession.

Based on Monday’s world rankings, eighteen eligible men have withdrawn from the Olympics — thirteen because of Pokémon.

The women, on the other hand, only had one player withdraw because of the app. Lee Anne Pace of South Africa has moved to Hawaii to roam the beaches and chase Squirtle, according to her agent.

”There is no doubt that Pokémon has devastated the world of golf, and we must accept that fact,” said Carlos Arthur Nuzman, the chairman of the Brazilian Olympic Committee. ”But we do understand why these individual decisions have been taken. Initially, I abhorred the idea of Pokémon, however, after downloading the app this morning, I’ve changed my mind. I caught that feisty little bastard called Pidgey after five minutes.”

Golf pulled many a string to get back into the Olympics, and Spieth, up until very recently, was among the most ardent of supporters. But, ultimately, according to the man himself, “God works in mysterious ways, and I know he wants me to pursue my dream. Golf can wait.”

Mar 152016
 
 By , March 15, 2016
Nostradamus on 'Dystopia Trump': Bleak Future Predicted

New screed by Nostradamus discovered: warns of a dystopia governed by “The Orange One.” Nostradamus, the French apothecary, break-dancer and unicyclist, published erotic novels and collections of prophecies that are known around the world. Multi-talented, not only was Nostradamus a diviner, he was a ventriloquist and [more…]

Sep 082015
 
 By , September 8, 2015
Kanye for President! No, Seriously.

If egomaniac The Donald can do it, why not egomaniac The Kanye? “Let’s not forget that the Terminator once managed the eighth largest economy in the world, so why can’t I, a musician, entrepreneur and demigod, be the one to win back the title of [more…]

Sep 062015
 
 By , September 6, 2015
Day Care Employees Fighting Mad 'Fight Club' Busted

Fight Club: but not the way Chuck Palahniuk envisaged it Obviously bored with their mundane lives, staff at a day care decided to inject a little excitement into their job — by starting their very own “Fight Club.” On Thursday, shortly after two workers were [more…]

Sep 012015
 
 By , September 1, 2015
Animal Farm 2.0 Attacked as Controversial Children's Book

It’s not the only recent children’s book to spark criticism from the right. According to Ben Carson, the American author, presidential candidate and close friend of God, “On first look, yes, the kangaroos, sheep, penguins and cows adorning the cover of Animal Farm 2.0 appear [more…]

Aug 272015
 
 By , August 27, 2015
The Donald, Warts and All

Only in America: The Donald “Like any hardworking American male, when I come home and my $800 dinner’s not presented to me, I go absolutely insane, okay?” — just one of Donald Trump‘s unforgettable quotes. Long before the shy, humble billionaire threw his hat — [more…]

Aug 202015
 
 By , August 20, 2015
Jared Fogle Story to be Told in Epic Film by Clint Eastwood

Subway’s longtime spokesman, Jared Fogle, will be featured in major biopic. Once called “America’s 6-inch sweetheart,” Jared Fogle, Subway’s longtime spokesman, now finds himself in a world of trouble. In the words of Frederick DeLuca, Subway’s co-founder, “Jared began and ended his career trying to [more…]

Aug 192015
 
 By , August 19, 2015
A Day in the Life of 'The Donald'

The Donald, likely an insult comic in another life, sits like a King. Paul Lewis, a British journalist at The Guardian best known for his award-winning investigation into the demise of Hard Rock Café t-shirts, has just returned from traveling across the USA with Donald [more…]

Aug 182015
 
 By , August 18, 2015
Presidential Candidates Share Their Fitness Routines

The 2016 presidential candidates filled us in on their (very strange) fitness programs. Most people think candidates only run their mouths, but according to reports, Hillary runs 20k every morning, Bobby Jindal performs the plank for 65 minutes a day, and Donald Trump swears by a rigorous [more…]

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