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Jun 292016
 
 By , June 29, 2016

‘Take my my kids – please!’ Queen Elizabeth moans, inviting ‘Anyone, even South Africa,’ to adopt royal family

LONDON – In a dramatic announcement from Buckingham Palace today, the British royal family said they plan to leave England and are putting their ceremonial services up for international auction.

Queen Elizabeth gives England the finger

Queen Elizabeth gives England the finger.

The announcement noted that “unfortunately” castles like Windsor, Balmoral and Buckingham Palace itself could not be part of the deal, though thanks to a quirk in the law, the Crown Jewels might be “negotiable.”

Bids will be accepted through October 2016, when Britain is expected to resign from the European Union following its recent Brexit vote.

“Yeah, Brexit, we’re ready to move on,” the Queen declared in a BBC interview.

“People forget that our family comprises immigrants too, and quite recent ones. We’re really the Saxe-Coburgs and the Battenbergs from Deutschland.

“We only became the Windsors in 1917 because of World War I. It was just a PR exercise.”

Her Majesty took a sip of tea. “Now we want to go back to Europe,” she said. “We’re hoping that some nice little country like Lichtenstein, looking for a pre-owned head-of-state plus family, will rent or even purchase us.

“Or anyone, even South Africa, will do. They have a nice climate, and we hear they may be looking for a new president soon. Interested customers should go to www.crownme.com.”

The Queen noted that in addition to recent political events, England’s 2-1 soccer loss to Iceland in the UEFA cup “had positively been the last straw for us.

“Perhaps some South American country like Argentina will come through,” she said, humming  a few bars from Evita. “It would be nice,” she added, “to be on the winning side for once.”

The Queen noted that all she and Prince Philip and Charles and Camilla and William and Harry and their wives and kids and aunts and cousins and corgis, etc., really need is for someone “to pay us a modest annual stipend, pick up all our bills and of course occasionally genuflect. A couple of Rolls Royces would be nice too.”

She concluded: “We’re thinking of a Craigslist ad about how that’s not much for an experienced royal family good for attracting tourists and performing meaningless public ceremonies like cutting ribbons and opening parliaments.

“Plus we can absolutely guarantee multiple sex scandals, headlines in the tabloids and endless public gossip. In our view, it’s a win-win.”

Jun 302015
 
 By , June 30, 2015
College Pitch to a Middle School Student

NYU is recruiting, and middle schools may hold students with great potential Office of Admissions New York University New York, NY 10003 Dear John, Listen. You’ve impressed us. And we wanted to let you know. Oftentimes, middle school students do not get the accolades they [more…]

Jan 062015
 
 By , January 6, 2015

Rather than reflecting a sense of place and local pride, the new bowl games are money hustles Growing up in Texas, I learned that God and guns were important, but football — well, football was the real religion, the essence of life itself. So I [more…]

Oct 292014
 
 By , October 29, 2014
Luis Suarez: The Autobiography

Footballer Luis Suarez on taking a bite out of life In an exclusive extract from his new book, Luis Suarez, the infamous cannibal/soccer player, talks about how the movie Alive had a profound impact on him as a child. “After watching it, undoubtedly, something sinister [more…]

Oct 132014
 
 By , October 13, 2014

The midterm elections and Halloween are similar: both events highlight tricks and treats Hey everybody. The Midterms Are Coming! Or rather: the midterms are coming. To be most precise; themidtermsarecoming. Because the general response of the vast majority of Americans who aren’t stifling yawns is [more…]

Jul 162014
 
 By , July 16, 2014
Pope v. Pope: The Hats Are Off

Divine intervention may be needed to help Popes heal rift caused by World Cup rivalry Argentina and Germany both have a pontiff present in the Vatican, a fact that has caused palpable tensions between Francis and Benedict after the recent World Cup final. As the [more…]

Jul 152014
 
 By , July 15, 2014
Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/15/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The headline news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for.  And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying [more…]

Jul 092014
 
 By , July 9, 2014
Germany vs Brazil: Blitzkrieg Bop

Brazil hires team psychologist to cope with shock With the thrashing at the hands of Germany, it is difficult not to feel that Brazil has reached the end of the road in terms of soccer superiority. After losing the semifinal, Luiz Felipe Scolari decided to [more…]

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