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You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This by Will Durst The Puppy Party Poor Hillary. Everybody wants her to quit. Nancy Pelosi wants her to quit. Michelle Obama wants her to quit. Wouldn't be surprised to hear Fidel Castro thinks she's been hanging on too long. Even pundits who don't really want her to quit are calling for her to quit because the next vote isn't for three weeks and they're caught in the Primary Dead Zone Vortex and like an excited terrier piddling in the stairwell at the sound of the key in the door, just can't help themselves. The media chorus is as insistent as a 3am car alarm: "Its time to go. Leave now while you have a shred of dignity intact. You're ruining it for everyone. How can we hug and kiss Barack when you're still wrestling with him, you sweaty old hag?" She, in turn, has put a brave face on her acknowledged uphill battle, comparing herself to Rocky Balboa, but seems to have forgotten, that in the first movie, Rocky loses. To a black guy. The Left has long held a deep-seated need to fall in love with their candidate and while people may respect Hillary, she's as cuddly as a stainless steel teddy bear. Dora the Diaspora. A burlap blanky. Besides, like her beloved Chicago Cubs, there is always next year. Say the GOP does bury Obama like a bone in the backyard of the 2008 election; she can run in 2012 on the "I told you so" ticket. The Democrats have only themselves to blame for getting locked into this steel cage death match of theirs. Due to an inability to stifle an insatiable urge to comfort and coddle. Like everything they touch, they insist on treating primary participants like a litter of newborn puppies with learning disabilities. Shar-Pei puppies. The cutest kind. As opposed to the Republicans, who have more of a warrior slash and burn kind of philosophy. You win a state. You get the delegates. All the delegates. No wimpering. Shut up and sit down, Mitt. The Nanny Party, however, rewrote the rules to make sure nobody accidentally gets their feelings hurt. Because every one of us is special. You win a state, you get SOME of the delegates. And if you come in second, you get some too. Third? You bet. Have a couple delegates. Take one of the short ones. Fourth. Fifth. Sure, what the hell. And counseling is available. Everybody's a winner here. Because this isn't about electing a President, this is about sharing and caring and nurturing. Nobody goes away feeling like a loser in the Democratic Party. Except during the general election that is. Hell, the Dems even figured out how to defy math. In the Nevada caucuses, Hillary received 51% of the vote compared to Obama's 45%, but Obama won more delegates. Well, there's your problem people. Simple arithmetic. Apparently, not one of your strong suits. And they still wonder why they lost in 2000 and 2004. Why is it such a bad thing that this might not get sorted out till August in Denver? After all, isn't
that what the conventions are for? And we haven't even Comic, actor, soon-to-be author, Will Durst, thinks Hillary Clinton is thisclose to becoming a stalker. Hints on How to Cover the Historic ’08 Candidacies This campaign has been tough on everybody, but particularly on members of the media who find themselves stymied when trying to navigate this year's historic candidacy minefield. And since all three candidates have proven to be a bit, shall we say, delicate, a hastily compiled handy reference guide about how to cover the most exciting political sensations of this or indeed, many a generation, is in order. HILLARY CLINTON • Avoid the word "female." • Do not under any circumstances use the Senator's maiden name. • It is sexist to question whether the candidate's alleged marriage is legit, or to say anything about her husband. Positive or negative. • Do not call Hillary Clinton "shrill." The candidate is penetrating and sharp; intense, passionate and fervent, but not shrill. Or strident. • Please refrain from referring to the Senator as a witch or anything that rhymes with it. • It is bad form to ask where Senator Clinton got her 35 years of experience. She got it the old fashioned way; she earned it. Do not call her husband an oaf. He is a lummox. • Please do not remark on what the candidate is wearing any more than if she were a man. Especially blue pant-suits. • Refrain from making comparisons to any other female politicians. Especially Geraldine Ferraro. • Discussions of a candidate's physical characteristics have no place in serious campaign reportage. Her membership in the Big Calves Society is off-limits. BARACK OBAMA • Avoid the word "race." • Do not under any circumstances use the Senator's middle name. • It is racist to question whether the candidate's alleged religion is legit, or to say anything about • Do not call Barack Obama "articulate." The candidate is eloquent and coherent; lucid, persuasive and expressive, but not articulate. Or clean. • Please refrain from making comparisons to any other black politicians. Especially Jesse Jackson. • You are requested not to use the words black, brown, white, red, yellow, pink, charcoal, onyx or inky. Ebony and obsidian are OK. • The Senator is not gamin. He is lithe with the audacity of hope. • All masculine youths will be referred to as young male children. Similarly, buoys shall henceforth be "floating markers." • If you eat chicken at one of the candidate's events, make sure it is boneless, skinless and sautééed, not fried. It should neither be recognizable as a breast, a leg, a thigh or a wing, but rather be amorphous yet inspiring. • The cheap and demeaning "Obambi" is out of bounds, and neither is he doe-eyed. His eyes are alive with the promise of tomorrow. JOHN MCCAIN • Avoid the word "old." • The Senator's middle name is Sidney. Go ahead; use it. • It is ageist to question whether the candidate's alleged infidelity is legit, or to say anything about his supposed girlfriend looking exactly like his wife. Just chalk it up to a case of mistaken identity. • Please refrain from making comparisons to any other former veterans. Especially Captain Queeg. • Stop asking for a demonstration of the candidate's authenticity. You wouldn't recognize it if you saw it anyhow. • You should not call John McCain "prickly." The candidate is penetrating and sharp; intense, passionate and fervent, but not prickly. Neither is he shrill, grouchy, irritable or cantankerous. Or crabby or belligerent. Or grumpy. Or crotchety. • Cindy McCain is the candidate's wife, not his attending nurse. • When referring to a Vice President assuming the duties of the Presidency, please speak about this happening in the case of incapacitation, not death. • You are requested not to use the words 'getting" and "on" next to each other in a sentence. Or "wizened," "elderly," "coot" or "geezer." "Mature" and "sage-like" are OK. • Remarks about Early Bird Dinners are not appreciated. Comic, author, former dishwasher at the Grand Canyon and radio talk show host, Will Durst, thinks a muzzle is in order. For everyone.
Catch Durst's blog, "Atmosphere" coming from the 2008 Masters Tournament at masters.org. Or pre-order his new book, "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing," available from Ulysses Press on May 1st. Visit Will Durst's site!
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